1:00 am on Lake Harney

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nacona
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:11 am
Location: Orlando Fl/Charlotte NC

1:00 am on Lake Harney

Post by nacona » Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:00 pm

1:00 am on Lake Harney

The night sky is scratch art,
a trillion glinting specks
are stylus sketched
on a flat black plane,
and carbon copied neatly
into rippling water.

With feet shoveled in sand
I manipulate grains with my toes.
the dark blusters with sonance.
Around me, a chorus of horny frogs
blare over squeals of cicadas,
drowning the cricket’s frail rings.

A warm Florida breeze plays
gently across my face,
and Spanish moss sways
as I watch the moon jump
in a flicker of yellow
back and forth in the lake.

Behind me the house is dark,
concealing its conked-out contents,
they are eluded in a Sominex sleep—
ground powder in a steamy red sauce.
They cannot discern whom they lack,
I’ve shed them like a skin
discarded at my back.

Meanwhile, I disown mortality—
that flesh-cocoon has ensnared me
ten years too long and it knows it, it’s ready
to give as I step onto the tide-slapped pier
with fishy-air tainted nostrils.
Brittle boards stretch out before me—
a plank that destiny blades my back to walk,
stupid pirate, I creak those slats willingly.

As I step forward a heron bursts
into the sky from the water,
white feathers spread
wide like an angel’s.

If only such beauty could change me.
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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Graeme
Seafoam Poet
Posts: 267
Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:56 pm
Location: Arizona

Post by Graeme » Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:01 pm

incredibly vivid description!
This above all to thine own self be true.

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SeamusL
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2007 12:20 pm
Location: Madison, WI

1:00am

Post by SeamusL » Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:57 pm

This started out really very nicely. With nice descriptions of nature and then it almost became another poem entirely that didn't really fit with the first 3 verses or the last. Why not make two poems. You should also try to use fewer words to get the feeling across. You have used excellent words to describe the scene like the 'moon jumping'. Very poetic. Work on using as few words as you can to describe feelings, scenes, whatever. Fewer words but the same meaning like below.

A breeze stirs
the Spanish moss
as the moon jumps
across the lake
Seamus L'Herault
Madison, WI

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