Chrysalis

[nekot]

<center>Chrysalis

i curl
fetal, rejecting touch
detestable, ugly
i despise myself so much

body heavy
mind slow
words sparse
heart low

You stand
adult, with confident air
praiseworthy, bold
fading i disappear

insignificance engulfs me

i strain to uncurl
a child yearning to grow
awkward, small
my worth i'll never know

But stretch i must
reach forth
to touch
to feel
to learn
to trust

....resuscitate....

"body, lighten"
"mind, open"
"words, flow"
"heart, strengthen"

I stand erect
adult, clinging to courage
yet timid, pliable
hoping I make a difference.


Finalish draft:
april 05, 2007</center>



firstish draft:
Chrysalis

I curl
A fetus rejecting all touch
Detestable, ugly
I despise myself so much.

my body heavy
my mind slow
my words sparse
my heart low

You stand
An adult displaying confident air
Praiseworthy, bold
In your presence I fade and disappear.

My insignificance engulfs me
Yet here I cannot abide
For if I choose to dwell here
My spirit within will die

I strain to uncurl
A child pining to grow
Awkward, small
I fear my worth I'll never know.

But grow I must
Reach forth to touch
The process trust.

Body, lighten.
Mind, open.
Words, flow.
Heart, strengthen.

I stand erect.
An adult clinging to innocence
Timid, pliable
Hoping to make a difference.

1st draft
March 09, 2007

[Squawk]

"I stand erect.
An adult clinging to childhood innocence
Timid, pliable
Hoping to make a difference. "

Last line err change it round maybe.

I stand firm,
An adult clinging to childhood.
Playdough pliable,
Hoping to make a difference.

[nekot]

Thank you Squawk.

I like the playdough pliable....especially with the word "childhood."

But will need to think on it. In the poem, I don't want to be somebody's puddy ... but I do feel fear/timidity.

I looked up the definitions for erect and firm. I like erect better than firm, because I don't feel "firm" in the poem; I'm just standing up instead of curled helplessly like a fetus. (if that communicates?)

I wrote this the day after spending time with someone who was deeply depressed. I went in the backlogs of my mind to remember what I used to feel (at least in part) when I suffered with deep depression. At times I'd literally curl up in a corner. I would tell myself my perception was distorted and would make myself uncurl and then make myself move, take action...hoping that I was making a difference somehow. (Glad those days are over )

Anyway.... I'll drop childhood. Is this any "better"?:

I stand erect
An adult clinging to innocence
Timid, pliable
Hoping to make a difference.

Thanks again for taking time to read it.



Hey, any ideas for a better title?

[Squawk]

Na that is a pretty cool title.

[LostNight]

I really enjoy your writings, like this one I enjoyed it too, the title presents it, I feel very well.....LostNight..

[nekot]

Thank you very kindly LostNight.

[heinzs]

Suggestion for "tightness":

<center>Chrysalis

I curl
fetal, rejecting touch
detestable, ugly
I despise myself

body heavy
mind slow
words sparse
heart low

You stand
adult, confident
praiseworthy, bold
in your presence I fade and disappear

Insignificance engulfs me
yet I must not abide
for if I choose to dwell here
my spirit within will die

I strain to uncurl
a child yearning to grow
awkward, small
my worth I'll never know

but I must grow
reach forth to touch
to feel
and learn to trust

body lightened
ming open
words flow
heart strengthened

I stand erect
adult, yet clinging to innocence
still timid, pliable
hoping to make a difference.</center>

Still don't quite care for the confluence of rhymes towards the end (grow, know, flow) and the duplication of "grow". I'd change "pining" to "yearning" in any case.

[nekot]

Gosh! Thanx Heinzs!!!!

I edited with some of your suggestions.....(edit in the initial post)

thank you, thank you, thank you..... :)

The 7th stanza are commands i am telling myself. Should i punctuate it like with a hyphen like: body - lighten, etc.? or use a comma instead of a hyphen.... or nuttin'? :)

I appreciate it....very much.

[heinzs]

If they are commands, then you should probably use some kind of break. What do you think of this:

body: lighten
mind: open
words: flow
heart: strengthen

?


hyphens would probably work as well...

[nekot]

You sure are a patient fellow ...


I decided to add a word. Had a hard time choosing between "whisper" or "susurrate." Then picked something else: resuscitate. Like new life, new breath.

[heinzs]

It works with the quotes and commas.

[nekot]

It works with the quotes and commas.

You gave me no emoticons? I "need" emoticons. lololol

(just kidding )



Thank ee Heinzs...

[Squawk]

The line "in your presence I fade and disappear "

Split it up maybe:

In you presence
I do as I'm told.

[nekot]

Thanks Squawk.

I pondered/considered the "do as I'm told." But what is in my thinking in the poem is the feeling of becoming so insignificant that it is like I don't exist.... becoming nonexistent to the point of not even being acknowledged that I'm present to even be told anything/considered at all.

I see your point though, especially as a child being barked at and given commands (grrrr.... ). (That grrr is not toward you; rather my opinion of barking commands.)

I had had the thought to drop "fade" and just use "disappear"..... or drop the disappear and just use "fade."



sigh.....i'm tired of looking at it now .... .... it seems so "insignificant."

[Squawk]

Yeah you're right, I like the imagery with the fade and disappear but I don't think it works with the rhythm.

Maybe engulf or something.