Tree of Life

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LostNight
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Tree of Life

Post by LostNight » Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:11 pm

Tree of Life

A single tree stands in a meadow
Naked limbs shows nothing to hide
With a rhythmic seasons leading to buds
Wakening wildlife coincides

Young leaves, leans toward nourishment's
Yawning, yearning by the thousands
Providing shelter and food
Generation growth, lends a shadow’s hand

Autumn days come closing in
Colors of honor, gold, red and brown
Journey reaches an end
Foliage dies and returns to the ground.

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Drew Rush
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Post by Drew Rush » Thu Mar 08, 2007 10:10 am

There's not much I'd change here, maybe just a few wording things if you want me to nitpick.

line 1: "solitary" instead of "single" ....or maybe some other similar but less used word
line 2: "showing" instead of "shows"
line 4: "Awakening" or "Awoken" instead of "Wakening"
line 11: "Reaching journey's end" instead of "Journey reaches an end"

But that's just me, its still effective either way. I particularly like the "colors of honor..." part near the end. It's a very strong use of symbolism from man to nature.

This deals with some classic subject matter (the seasons, the cycle of life/death), it would be fitting for you to put it in a more classic form, not necessarily any one in particular, but making more of a standard for your line length and rhythm, might work well.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:37 pm

I'd use "show" instead of "showing"...


:cool:
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LostNight
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Post by LostNight » Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:08 am

Tree of Life (Advised Revised)

A solitary tree stands in a meadow
Naked limbs show nothing to hide
With a rhythmic seasons leading to buds
Awakening wildlife coincides

Young leaves, leans toward nourishment's
Yawning, yearning by the thousands
Providing shelter and food
Generation growth, lends a shadow’s hand

Autumn days come closing in
Colors of honor, gold, red and brown
Reaching journey's end
Foliage dies and returns to the ground.

I do think it sounds better. Thanks Drew and Heinzs........LostNight
The wheels of time
how ever slow
speeds up
as we grow

*
So much be said
with so few words

*
http://thelostnight.blogspot.com/

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Fri Mar 09, 2007 9:47 am

:cool: :cool: :cool:
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nekot
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Post by nekot » Tue Mar 13, 2007 8:34 pm

Beautiful .... and I like the title. Reminds me of the circle of life...and how perpetual it is..

Thank you LostNight.
~eloquently scattered~
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Graeme
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Post by Graeme » Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:20 pm

Tree of Life

A single tree stands in a meadow
Naked limbs shows nothing to hide (limbs-plural; shows -singular)
With a rhythmic seasons leading to buds (while rhythmic seasons lead. . .)
Wakening wildlife coincides (Awakening wildlife)

Young leaves, leans toward nourishment's (lean) (nourishment)
Yawning, yearning by the thousands (omit by the thousands)
Providing shelter and food
Generation growth, lends a shadow’s hand ( I don't know what this means)

Autumn days come closing in (Autumn days close in)
Colors of honor, gold, red and brown
Journey reaches an end
Foliage dies and returns to the ground.

I hope I haven't said more than you wish to hear - the inevitable rhythm of life your poem expressed is lovely.

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nacona
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Post by nacona » Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:59 pm

Ok Gang, I'm back! Hope all is well!

Here is my take:
Tree of Life

A single tree stands in a meadow
Naked limbs shows nothing to hide
With a rhythmic seasons leading to buds
Wakening wildlife coincides

Young leaves, leans toward nourishment's
Yawning, yearning by the thousands
Providing shelter and food
Generation growth, lends a shadow’s hand

Autumn days come closing in
Colors of honor, gold, red and brown
Journey reaches an end
Foliage dies and returns to the ground.
L1-L4-->
I like your first line, but I think that is could be stronger. You could be painting a better picture by using more proper nouns in this line. Why just a tree? I know the title is "Tree of Life" and the Bible story gives no type, but I read this as the tree being almost like the phoenix on a life cycle that is governed by the seasons. What kind of tree is this is the Meadow? Do not just use tree, give us a type and we will get an ever clearer picture. Also, stand is rather still, trees are not still very often, play with our senses some in this. It could sway in the meadow; it could rustle in the meadow. In the 2nd line why not some personification, a different way of wording it to say the same thing. "Its naked fingers hold nothing", something like that. In L3 cut out the "a", you do not need it, the line reads fine without it. I like the last line.

L5-L8--->
In L5 why not "Sprouts" instead of "Young leaves"? Something like

Sprouts, leaning toward nourishment's yawning"

The rest of this stanza reads ok to me, but I have to admit that I am a little torn by "lends a shadow's hand, but you might be able to pass it off. These things can be a matter of preference.

L9-L12--
Line 9 is a little telly for me, is there a way that you can show us how autumn comes in, use the senses. I do like the concept of L10 though, and the use of the senses here works well with the colors. This last stanza, hmmm, I like the concept, but I feel that you could be showing us more. Why does the journey reach its end? What causes it? Can you see the changes like you can in a human as they grow sick and die? Or perhaps it is different since the tree is bound to be reborn? You tell us the leaves fall to the ground, but what about showing us, what does it look like? Does it sound like anything? Can you hear the wind that acts as a foliage plucker? Can you smell the death device, winter, in the air? Also, your poem lacks in similes and metaphor. Your imageries are good, but I feel that the poem could have more power by applying these poetic tools. Thanks for sharing, good draft, I will look for revisions!

Cheers!

Shawn Nacona
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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