The Push

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nacona
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 104
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:11 am
Location: Orlando Fl/Charlotte NC

The Push

Post by nacona » Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:32 pm

The Push
(For my brother David)

The day I learn cruelty
my brother and I walk
through the hot noon sun,
our shoes crunching the roadside
gravel in unison.

It's a strange song,
the beat of our feet,
and the blare of car horns
with their whoosh
as they pass on the road
to my left.

I walk directly in front of him,
hear his haggard breath
as his shadow swallows mine—
it casts a misshapen form
on the pavement.

Suddenly, his shadow lunges
forward, and I feel his palms
press deep into my back.

I become elastic; a rubber
band boy, my middle bends
forward as my head snaps
back. I stumble, fall, and hit
the pavement with a crack,
and sink deep into
a momentary black sleep.

When I look up I can feel
my hot lava blood
gush out from the gash,
and slowly sliding down
the surface as my forehead
sears from the fire.

Through the red of my vision
I notice the smile on his face,
and as I contemplate his soul
through those cold blue windows
that glare down at me,
I know that I gaze deep
into the eyes of cruelty.


12/1/2006
3rd Draft
Charlotte, NC

_______________________________________________________
2nd Draft

The Push
(for my brother David)

The day I learned cruelty
me and my brother walked
under the hot noon sun
as I listened to our shoes
crunch the roadside gravel
in unison. It was a strange song,
the beat of our feet,
and the blare of car horns
mixed with their whoosh
as they passed on the road
to my left.

I walked directly in front of him,
listened to his haggard breath
as his shadow swallowed mine.
It cast a misshapen form
on the pavement. Suddenly,
his shadow lunged forward,
and I felt his palms press
deep into my back.

I became elastic; a rubber
band man, my middle bent
forward as my head snapped
back. I stumbled, fell, and hit
the pavement with a crack.
It flung me into a momentary
black sleep.

When I looked up I could feel
the hot magma of my blood
as it gushed from the gash
to the surface, and I felt
my forehead sear from the fire.
Through the red of my vision
I noticed the smile on his face,
and as I took in those cold blue
orbs that glared down at me,
I knew that I gazed deep
into the eyes of cruelty.


11/8/2006
2nd Draft
Charlotte, NC
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8411
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
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Post by heinzs » Tue Dec 05, 2006 8:52 pm

This is quite prosaic, Shawn. I'm not sure that the stanza form is appropriate for the piece. The current draft is very strong, and it is like the opening chapter of a longer story... the introduction per se. The imagery is extreme, however it is lacking in emotion... perhaps deliberately. That's what makes it more prose than poetry to my ear.

Don't give up on this... I think it can become what you want it to be, or it will become a story.


Pops
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An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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My Poet's Page Archive | Topics I've started

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negatvone
Deranged Marshmallow; Leader of The Twin
Posts: 1170
Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 9:53 pm
Location: Anywhere my head rests
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Post by negatvone » Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:31 pm

Prose might be the ticket since Pops mentioned it. :shrug: I'll have to see it formatted as a prose first. :mrgreen:
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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