Matchbooks 4th Draft

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nacona
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Matchbooks 4th Draft

Post by nacona » Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:12 am

Matchbooks

She is Barbie in a package!
The thick glass glosses her features,
and I can barely make out
her face or the sunshine
of her hair, but I imagine her fear-
filled eyes staring
......................down
.........................at
.........................me
as I stand looking up
at her scream-struck face.
Her package is a house
painted with red and orange
flames, the fingers of fire
reaching up towards her.
The scene is alive!
Fire crackles in chorus
with her muffled screams.
I look
........down
..........at
.....my hands
at the book of BP matches,
and recall her sliding them over
the counter with a pack of Marlboros.
I think about her long walk home alone
in the dark after work, and of waiting
in her shadowy back yard
for all the lights to turn off.
I pick up the gas can
............................from
.............................the
...........................ground,
and remember the tinkling sound
of it dousing her house in a vaporous sheen.
She is number one hundred and seventeen,
I think to myself as I turn and walk off
into the night with the gas can in hand.
When I get home I will add
the matchbook she gave me
to the shoebox with all the rest.


10/25/2006
4th Draft
Charlotte,NC



Matchbooks

She is Barbie in a package,
the thick glass glossing her features.
I can barely make out
her face, or the sunshine
of her hair. I imagine her fear-
filled eyes staring down at me
as I stand looking up
at her scream-struck face.
Her package is a house,
and the horizontal siding reaches
outward from each side of her.
Just below her are painted red
and orange flames, the fingers
of fire reaching up towards her.
The scene is alive, I listen
to the crackling of fire in chorus
with her muffled screams from within.
I look down at my hand
at the book of BP matches, and recall
her sliding them over the counter
with a pack of Marlboros. I think
about her long walk home alone
in the dark after work, and of waiting
in her shadowy back yard
for all of the lights to turn off.
I pick up the gas can from the ground,
and remember the tinkling sound
of it dousing her house in a vaporous sheen.
She is number two hundred and seventeen,
I think to myself as I turn and vanish
into the night with the gas can in hand.
When I get home I will add
the matchbook that she gave me
to the shoebox with the rest of them.


10/12/2006
3rd Draft
Charlotte, NC
Last edited by nacona on Wed Oct 25, 2006 3:15 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Tue Oct 17, 2006 11:36 am

Break it down.

I posted like this for some time. However, the lines need to be broken down Couplets possibly?

It is harder for someone to read things without a break in the wording. Same reason books have chapters.

This is like a book in a sence, but different.

Try making it into where there are breaks between the lines. The lines that rhyme.
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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Post by heinzs » Tue Oct 17, 2006 6:41 pm

Maybe add a break at the periods. That'll give them more impact.

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nacona
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Post by nacona » Thu Oct 19, 2006 7:23 pm

This is my 2nd draft of this, I am just not sure how I feel about it split up like this, but I am testing it on here to see what everyone thinks and then I will decide what I will do with it
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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Post by nacona » Mon Oct 23, 2006 8:18 am

OK, so I broke this apart into stanzas a couple different ways, and I think that breaking this poem apart actually takes away from the flow of the poem. I do not always write poems that flow together like this, and I am certainly one to break a poem apart and play with the form. This poem is one that works rather well flowing together as one long poem, and after trying to break it apart a few ways I realized that it really robs from the flow of the poem. So I have glued the poem back together, changed it around a little bit, and both the one broken into stanzas and this one are both posted here. I am intrested to see which draft the "reader" thinks flows better???

Thanks!

Shawn Nacona
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Mon Oct 23, 2006 2:34 pm

It's easier on the eyes with the breaks, but I'm just one reader. The flow could be altered by making 3 line breaks or even 5 line breaks. Longer if needed, but all jumbled together makes people want to look over it due to the compact appearance.

All I can say is breaks for the reader to soak it in with are something that makes it more presentable.

Jim
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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nacona
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Post by nacona » Mon Oct 23, 2006 3:39 pm

negatvone,

Thank you for the read and posting your suggestions on this one. I did try breaking this up in several different ways, and passed it along two a couple friends of poet friends of mine, I also posted it in the other workshop that I post in and everybody told me that it reads better without the breaks. Personally I am always willing to play with the form of a poem if it helps the poem to do so, one that us is kind of like this one in which I have broken it up is called "Sculpted." I do respect your opinion on this one, but I have seen and read published poems in this form. Broken up is a little easier on the eye, and my poet friend kim pointed this out to me, but she also said that I should place it back together because the poem reads better and carries the reader through the poem better. This is not to say that I will not consider breaking this up again in the future, I just wanted to explain what drove me to put this back together, and that I did not shoot your idea down totally, I am still pondering what to do with this, and if I break it up how to do it without messing with the flow of the poem. Thanks again, I will post any further drafts that I write of this.

Cheers!

Shawn Nacona
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Mon Oct 23, 2006 4:03 pm

There might be lines missing that need to be added. I'm not the concensus of the readers, though, All I can do is add my input.

It's your's to fiddle and faddle with, but I can only tell you what I see.... not the general public.

Sometimes it creeps on our backs in the middle of line-sight.... sometimes it is right out there in the open for everyone to see.... but we are oblivious to it.

I'm gonna sit here and critique till you; as a person, tell me it is the way you want it.

Only you know the way it should read. We just read it. :mrgreen:

Jim :mrgreen:
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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Post by heinzs » Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:38 pm

The poet must be the final judge of his/her works. The rest of us are only an audience...

:cool: :cool:
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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:30 am

heinzs wrote:The poet must be the final judge of his/her works. The rest of us are only an audience...

:cool: :cool:
:mrgreen: Heinz broke my long-winded response down. :mrgreen:
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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nacona
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Location: Orlando Fl/Charlotte NC

Post by nacona » Wed Oct 25, 2006 3:18 pm

Thanks for the reads and crits everybody! In this draft I attempted to break the poem apart a little bit by playing with the form. Let me know if it works!

Cheers!

Shawn Nacona
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 -George W. Bush

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negatvone
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Post by negatvone » Wed Oct 25, 2006 3:44 pm

I'd break the first line off and then find quartets to compliment each other...... :mrgreen:

The poem looks fine. :mrgreen:

I told you I would critique untill, :mrgreen:
Entering the sanctuary of my mind may lead to perils of unknown magnitude.......... hold on and embrace the ride. Feel the tolls as we pass from existance into my sought domain of twisted reality. -negatv: 5/05-

If I changed anything I have done in my life I wouldn't be me. Personally, I kinda like me. I'm an asshole, but I'm my kind of asshole.

Friends are what help me guide myself through life. I just have to find the right direction first. -negatv- 10/06

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