Silver Dreams - an example of critique

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Poetness

Silver Dreams - an example of critique

Post by Poetness » Wed Jun 28, 2006 5:26 pm

Silver drops of windowpane
in mosaic dreams as the sunbeams
light the lining of gold
in the precious woes in melting away
the fabric of tears glinting
forever’s beyond as dawn of rays
shining upon the sea
of a window sill as an island of grey.

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Edgar A. Poe
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Post by Edgar A. Poe » Wed Jun 28, 2006 5:44 pm

I detect a slight degree of familiarity in your choice of avatars... I am flattered.


Might I be so bold as to make a suggestion on how to "tighten" up this verse? This is just my opinion and is not a criticism of your work.

"Silver drops of windowpane
in mosaic dreams as the sunbeams
light the lining of gold
in the precious woes in melting away
the fabric of tears glinting
forever’s beyond as dawn of rays
shining upon the sea
of a window sill as an island of grey."

Perhaps:

Silver drops of windowpane
mosaic dreams as sunbeams
light the lining of gold
the precious woes melting away
the fabric of tears
glinting forever beyond
as dawn's rays
shine upon the sea
a window sill island of grey.

:cool: :cool:
"Children are never too tender to be whipped. Like tough beefsteaks, the more you beat them, the more tender they become." myself

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Poetness

Post by Poetness » Wed Jun 28, 2006 7:37 pm

Great. Then your revision would need grammar and punctuation correction. It is naked without it.

I don't like to be too tight, if you know what I mean. I think moderation is the key. Poetry shouldn't be confined to purpose but passion, like Edgar implied. You know that quote? and that is this poems intent:

PURE PASSION.

I like what you've done, and I'll ponder it for consideration as exploration of open mindedness.

Thanks for commenting!


Poetness

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jeannerené
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Post by jeannerené » Thu Jun 29, 2006 9:42 pm

Welcome Poetness,

Quite lovely and I enjoyed reading.

Poetness said:
Then your revision would need grammar and punctuation correction. It is naked without it.
I'm just a little confused as to the above response concerning the suggestions given by EAPoe, since there is no punctuation in the original other than the period at the end. It's just MHO but I believe the editing of unnecessary words opens a poem up to the "Passion."

...however, as I said in the first place, it was a pleasure to read "Silver Dreams"....

I look forward to reading more of your poetry.

...jeanne...
... and his words purge up and outward,
expelled and onward through desert dust swallowed,
sands he says that gorge on simple sensibilities.
And, now he spits fragments, grit, extended vowels and elongated syllables
over cracked lips. Their sounds fall
piling round his boots…
~ jeannerené

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~breathe~


flickr -jeannerene photostream

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Poetness

Post by Poetness » Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:10 pm

jeannerené wrote:Welcome Poetness,

Quite lovely and I enjoyed reading.

Poetness said:
Then your revision would need grammar and punctuation correction. It is naked without it.
I'm just a little confused as to the above response concerning the suggestions given by EAPoe, since there is no punctuation in the original other than the period at the end. It's just MHO but I believe the editing of unnecessary words opens a poem up to the "Passion."

...however, as I said in the first place, it was a pleasure to read "Silver Dreams"....

I look forward to reading more of your poetry.

...jeanne...


Yes, but he changed the poem where the original needed no punctuation and his chopped up version doesn't even make grammatical sense let alone correct punctuation.

You want to know what true passion of writing is, PM me.

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:15 pm

Actually, the original makes no sense to me whatsoever, but I'm dense sometimes.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shrug:
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Poetness

Post by Poetness » Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:30 pm

what doesn't make sense H?

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heinzs
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Post by heinzs » Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:45 pm

Silver drops of windowpane

I either visualize a broken glass or beads of moisture on the pane?

in mosaic dreams as the sunbeams
light the lining of gold

mosaic... again, broken shards? dreams? I don't get "dreams" here. Sunbeams lighting what lining of gold?

in the precious woes in melting away

makes no grammatical sense whatsoever... are the "precious woes" lined with gold? "in melting away" throws the whole line off. The word "in" is the hiccup.

the fabric of tears glinting

tears? the moisture beads on the pane? they would glint in sunlight. The fabric of tears is melting in the sunlight?

forever’s beyond as dawn of rays
shining upon the sea

"forever's" meaning belonging to "forever" or "forever is"? So now we're where we can see the sea...? How did we get there, or was it always hiding beyond the windowpane?

of a window sill as an island of grey.

again, totally grammatically missing. Therefore, for me, this piece is senseless as written. I know that you are well aware of what you are trying to say and are cognizant of a meaning, but I, as a lowly reader, am in the dark. You haven't brought me to the place nor brought the place to me that you are describing.

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nacona
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Post by nacona » Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:30 am

Poetness,
Silver drops of windowpane
in mosaic dreams as the sunbeams
light the lining of gold
in the precious woes in melting away
the fabric of tears glinting
forever’s beyond as dawn of rays
shining upon the sea
of a window sill as an island of grey.
First let me say that I had a little bit of a hard time following this, I had to read it a few times to get it. Not to say this is a bad poem, because I do like it, but it did not get me on the first read. Second I agree with Mr. Edgar Allen Poe that this could use a little tightening. I read that you do not like to tighten a poem up too much, but I think you should consider that the trimming off of the fat is an important part of rewriting a poem. I like to read a final draft that flows nice, and that is trimmed down to a perfection for that poem. I read Mr. Poe's suggestion for a rewrite, and I have to say it flows nice, the line breaks all look good to me, and I do not see where you would really need to add any punctuation. Just a few things to consider before pushing on to another draft. For the most part I think you have a good working draft here that just needs a little more work. I wish you luck on this and keep up the writing!

Cheers

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heinzs
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Re: Silver Dreams

Post by heinzs » Mon Nov 21, 2011 4:34 pm

This was a great dialog on this piece. Unfortunately after this poetness showed his true nature as a troll and was deactivated. He never did come back to respond to the further comments on the poem. This is a good example of what critique can look like.

Cheers.

H.
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