Hate Or Blade?!

[Haroo]

<center>HATE OR BLADE



A life can be ceased,
What massacre a blade can do ?!!
I just wish you could realise,
Your hate can too
Hearts can be melted,
Its beyond;
what tears could do
I just wish ...
My tears could too

But, I'd rather die by your hate,
Then, die by a blade
Because I want to
suffer more in love,
and know how much
I can bleed for you </center>




Any suggestions?
CRITIQUE IT HARD!!!

[Richard taylor]

Free verse is not my strong point except for the grammar
And yours is sound maybe one or two words changes
So just some thoughts rather than critique
I like this a lot the first verse is excellent I have been
Playing around with the lines as the first could be expanded

[What massacre a blade can do
I just wish you could realise
A life lost, deceased
See what hate can do]

But then your poems premise is sound and all I would
Do haroo, is a light revise of the second verse
Good powerful poem with a message
Best with it
Richard.

[heinzs]

I'm with Richard on this one. The second verse could use some tweaking to increase its impact.

H.

[Haroo]

Thankyou richard, i loved your comment and descriptiveness!!!
Please can you help me out with that too?

[ninian]

Haroo, I'd like to give you some thoughts on this piece. Of course feel free to reject or accept anything ;)

I like the idea that hate is like a knife in the damage it can cause. I have a few questions, though, if you'd indulge me :)

I'm not fond of the use of "ceased" in line one. I know that it means stopped but the usage is a bit awkward here. I realise that you want to say something other than A life can be ended perhaps there is either a different way to say it with the word ceased, or another word to be used? There is a tendency for young poets to try to write their poetry to sound "poetic" rather than just writing. In free verse, it's a good idea to use natural language.

At the end of line two you have too much punctuation. As the line can be read as either a question What massacre a blade can do? or an emphatic statement What massacre a blade can do! you need to choose what you mean and remove the extraneous punctuation :) otherwise, your intent isn't clear to your reader.

A life can be ceased,
What massacre a blade can do ?!!

I just wish you could realise,
Your hate can too

Lines three and four - your hate can what too? I can sort of infer you are comparing hate to a knife in the heart/back/whatever, but it isn't truly clear, you may want to look at that line, increasing it by a few words to not only make the meaning clear but match the pattern of line two, since it does rhyme with it. Perhaps something like Your hate can cause death too or Your hate can do this too Play with it a bit and see what might work.

Hearts can be melted,
Its beyond;
what tears could do
I just wish ...
My tears could too

Some technical points for this stanza. The semi-colon at the end of line two comes in the wrong spot. It would be better suited to the end of line three, which is the end of the grammatical phrase, otherwise the reader is pausing longer at the end of line two which breaks up your meaning. Also in line two Its should be It's the contractual form of it is. I'd lose the ellipses (...) at the end of line four and explain what you wish your tears could do in line five.

But, I'd rather die by your hate,
Then, die by a blade
Because I want to
suffer more in love,
and know how much
I can bleed for you

This stanza does need tightening, but perhaps that will come as you work on the other lines. A good start is taking out extraneous and unnecessary words.

Any suggestions?
CRITIQUE IT HARD!!!

I've given you some suggestions, but I hope I didn't critique it too hard!

Ninian