Group Help, Hammering at another song

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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 142
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Group Help, Hammering at another song

Post by Mightfall » Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:44 am

I am looking to
1. Strengthen images
2. Improve words
3. Improve story flow

Also if you agree with me that it feels juvenile, you can say it without hurting my feelings.



I know you don't do songs much here but this one should be (and pretty much is)

5,
6,
5,
6,
5,
8
with some leeway for either or words (some words can be 1 or 2 when song)



They knocked you down
Parts shattered on the floor
Then’s when you realized
There’s no such thing as home
It’s a lie they’ve told
Since the day your first heart emerged

You fall down again
Not sure who tripped you
You’re stuttering inside
And a young girl's blueish ink
Fades slow to secret red
In the light cast by your beliefs


[Choruses]

You grapple one more time
Fingers grasp for tables edge
Pulling yourself up again
Gripping a tear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?



You’re not so young now
Standing defiant of fears
Dodging falling blows
Bruised knuckles fly by
Their fury steadily grows
But you’re held back by your chains



[Choruses]

You howl, a primal roar
Fingers grasp for tables edge
And you raise yourself again
Denying a tear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?


Tangled tattoos appear /
Pregnant with secret pains
And a desire to roar
But tears still reign inside
Upon the dragon's heart
And if you would let them flow
You’ll fall


[Choruses]

What if this is no lie
His hand reaches for yours
And you try to rise again
Denying a tear

Half naked in the bed
His lips kiss your shoulder
And you try to rise again
Denying your fear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's ’always seeking
And all love is a lie?
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 142
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Re: Group Help, Hammering at another song

Post by Mightfall » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:47 pm

New form, talking to an empty hall here I think....


Winning at defeat

When did you first learn
There’s no such place as home, and
the warmest embraces
Rarely comes for another round

When did you first fall
To a swinging loving first
While no one noticed
That you stood right up again

When did you first cry
At the withdraw of a hand
No warm embraces left
Just new stoney silent walls


[Choruses]

You grapple one more time
Fingers grasp for table’s edge
Pulling yourself up again
Gripping a tear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?


A childhood was missed
You haven’t found it again
I try dancing playful
But sadness still wins

I stand up and smile
The widest my heart yet has
But I see secret fear
And wish I knew what to give

[Choruses]

You howl, a primal roar
Fingers grasp for tables edge
And you raise yourself again
Denying a tear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's always seeking
And all love is a lie?


The girl’s’ tattoos fade
You’re stuttering inside
As a young one’s blue ink
Dims to secret red

New tangled art appears
Pregnant with hard hidden pains
Deftly you duck left
To avoid today’s new blow

Explosive angry cries
Stay silent in the firm grip
Of the hardened tears
You’ll never allow to flow

[Choruses]

What if this is no lie
This hand reaching for yours
And you try to rise again
Denying a tear

Half naked in the bed
Her lips kiss your shoulder
And you try to rise again
Denying your fear

What if there’s no home
No shelter for a heart
That's ’always seeking
And all love is a lie?
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

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heinzs
The Fat Cat
Posts: 8300
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2001 12:01 am
Tag line: Do no harm
Location: Novato, CA
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Re: Group Help, Hammering at another song

Post by heinzs » Sun Dec 03, 2017 12:20 am

It's quiet here :darn:
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