Looking to improve this song for an excericise

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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
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Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by Mightfall » Mon Nov 13, 2017 4:27 am

I needs to be smoother 4,5,6 and any wording improvement. Any community suggestions are welcome. It is a dark hard piano piece, or will be when the timing is right lol.



Content

If my next breath
and my last breath each
Somehow crossed your lips

If my next heartbeat
and my last were each
In perfect sync with yours

[Chorus]
Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide

If my last tear fell
Living its moments
Fading to salt your skin

[Chorus]
Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide

If what I last heard
Was a sigh of passion
From your fresh moistened lips...


[Chorus]

Every moment before
Could turn to dust behind us
While the world before opened wide

Laughing crying hearts
Would find their Peace
Melting in the arms of each
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

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heinzs
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by heinzs » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:14 am

I don't see where this needs improvement. Looks good and complete as is. :cool:
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soular
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by soular » Mon Nov 13, 2017 7:36 pm

Mightfall wrote:
Mon Nov 13, 2017 4:27 am
If my next breath
and my last
Somehow crossed your lips

If my next heartbeat
and my last
In perfect sync with yours

[Chorus]
Every moment before
turns to dust
While the world ahead
opens wide
with you



Laughing crying hearts
Would find their Peace
Melting in the arms of each
Hi. As you say "any suggestions are welcome" I have a go (bold parts) imagining Nick Cave singing. I write lyrics myself so I believe you'd go with your flow anyway. This lyrics has a lot in common with my recent output so I made an unusual officious move. I hope you don't mind. I like the very last part in italics. Thank you.

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Mightfall
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 131
Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:19 pm
Location: Whitehorse, Yukon

Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by Mightfall » Mon Nov 13, 2017 7:59 pm

Someone who knows who Nick Cave, awesome hehe.

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions.

Now I just have to find some way to take a sledge hammer to the timing
"You leapt into the abyss, but find, It only goes up to your knees"... Nick Cave

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soular
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by soular » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:44 pm

Good luck!

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heinzs
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Re: Looking to improve this song for an excericise

Post by heinzs » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:29 pm

:cool:
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An' it harm none, do what ye will. Blessed Be.
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