The Nuthouse Journal - London Police

[SamIAm]

London Police Take Stronger Measures – Politely Ask Rioters To “Please Settle Down”



London – Police here are fed up after four nights of rioting and have vowed to take even stronger measures to stop the destruction by young people who aren’t quite sure what they’re mad about. Law enforcement has been ordered to politely ask rioters to “please settle down, because this is really getting out of hand and everything.”

“We’ve been accused of not taking enough action,” says Chief William Broslowe of the London Police Department. “The world is watching and the world is saying that we just aren’t reacting to this rioting with enough force. Well, no more! So, I say to the rioters – stop this, please, or I’ll be very upset.”

Broslowe has ordered the set up of thirty stations where rioters will be taken and have their hands “smacked with a ruler ten times, less one.” In more severe cases, they will be “paddled on the bum.”

“These thugs have pushed us to this,” says Broslowe. “And pretty soon, I will give them all a stern talking-to. Don’t think I won’t do it.”

London Officers voiced fear over the new, astringent measures, saying that if they were to show stronger force they might end up getting pinched or kicked and risked getting a scratch on their shields from a flying rock.

“Why, just this morning I had a rioter point at me and call me a wanker,” says Christopher Pearson, 23, a London Police officer for a year. “I’m not paid to put up with that. So I told him how rude he was being and asked him to behave himself. He just looked at me like I was cracked.”

Other officers agreed, as they cried and “held each other tenderly,” fearing they too would have rocks thrown at them and be called rude names.

“I can crack an old lady in the head with my night stick if she’s in a dark alley somewhere and has her back to me – and if she’s really drunk,” says Pearson. “But don’t ask me to use force to stop real crime. I’m just not made for that.”