**Nuthouse Journal**

[SamIAm]

Oil Companies Claim Good Reason For Raising Gas Prices - “We’re greedy bastards!”


Donald Barlowe, 38, President of Texaco Oil, addressed a group of protesters today, citing good reason for raising the price of gas to such an alarming height.

“I am here to set your minds at ease,” said Barlowe, smiling gently to the crowd. “We have good reason for raising the price of gas, a reason I believe you’ll understand. The reason is - we’re a bunch of money-hungry, greedy bastards.”

Barlowe continued to tell the crowd that he and others like him were selfish assholes that possessed no fellow-feeling for anyone, “not even our own families.”

“I love money,” said Barlowe, “and I’ll get it by any means necessary. I’m a satanic jerk. I think only of myself and the things I want, and I’m willing to pay off, crush, or kill anyone who gets in my way. Why, just yesterday I sold my three-year-old son on the black market for five million dollars. I really needed those pillow cases.”

Barlowe continued. “I’m a damn, money-hungry pig of a man. The world revolves around me. And, oh – I also love the overwhelming sense of absolute power I receive. I need that feeling because I’m an empty-hearted, whipped mama’s boy who wears women’s panties and still gets beat up by sixth graders.”

“I’m glad Mr. Barlowe told us his side of the story,” said Peter Wilson, 43, a steel fabricator. “All this time I thought they were raising gas prices because of Hurricane Katrina and the war, stuff like that. But I never stopped to think that there could be a different reason.” Then, wiping a tear from his eye, he said, “Bless those selfish sons of bitches! Bless them all!”

“It must be hard on the oil companies to know they’re such pricks,” said protester Sarah Olam, a twenty-nine year-old waitress. “It took a lot of guts for mister Barlowe to stand in front of us and tell us the truth. I had no idea what the real reason was for the high gas prices. I always assumed they needed the money to donate to charities. I never dreamed the real reason was they wanted to bend over the already struggling citizen and ram it up our tailpipes.” Then, giggling, she said, “Oh my goodness. I said ‘tailpipe’. Like on a car and stuff. Thank you, Mister Barlowe, thank you for giving me a reason to make up puns!”

“The people had no idea,” said Barlowe. They’ve been blinded by the media into believing other so-called politically correct reasons. Now they know the truth – a truth that had not entered their minds, ever! We don’t really care about you. We want your money. We want it all. We will take your money to Hell with us.”

To celebrate the new revelation, Barlowe and other oil executives sold hotdogs for $50.00, Dixie cups filled with water for $29.00 and free balloons for $23.00. The price of all three items increased every hour throughout the day.

“It’s just our way of saying thank you to all the good people we screw over.” said Barlowe. “And, boy, did they fall for it!”

Metal fabricator, Wilson said, “It’s all so symbolic. We stick a pump up our vehicle’s yen-yang then the oil companies stick it up our yen-yang. It’s poetry.”

Satan the Devil, former son of God, said he was also proud of the oil companies. "I love it when people suffer." Hissed Satan. "I love it when humans have to use their food money to pay for gas in order to go to the store to buy food. There's a magical irony to it. Besides, where the here do you think I get fule to keep this place burning? We have a Hellco a few body mounds from here. It's only two-hundred thousand dollars a drop. This is Hell after all. They got great Slurpees, too."

Then, turning to one of his demons he said, "Holy this place it's colder than this place in here! Turn up the goddamn heat before I beat the me out of you!"

************************

Admin note:
The Nuthouse Journal series has been nominated for a Forum Award on 7/24/06. I'll try to get a link post to make them all available from one location.

[moonflower]

how true, how true!..

[heinzs]

Stupid Terrorist Flies Hang-Glider Into Side Of Building

New Study Released By Surgeon General

Wife’s Fat Makes Pants Look Skinny

Bags is President

Weapons of Mass Destruction

U2 Memeber“The Edge” Changes Guitar Lick

Department Of Education Bans The Words Jihad And Pigs From American Language

[heinzs]

[heinzs]