Burned

Forum for your general poetry that may or may not also fit into other forums as well.

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Forum for your general poetry that may or may not also fit into other forums as well. If you wouldn't want your 12-year old daughter to read it, don't post it here.
Autoprune 12 months.
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wblogan
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 69
Joined: Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:17 pm
Location: Atlanta

Burned

Post by wblogan » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:40 am

Beneath that cog
another broke,
a wheel spun free
and missed a stroke.

Our love entire,
though God had spoke,
began to grind
and give off smoke.

With hearts ablaze,
a funeral pyre,
and no alarm
to fight the fire.

Languid complaint,
as Nero's lyre,
we stood and watched
the blazing bier.

Prodding embers
in afterthought,
what once was love,
is not so hot.

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Sailor55
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 123
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:31 pm
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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Re: Burned

Post by Sailor55 » Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:45 am

Hi there, wb. I thought the first and last stanzas were brilliant. But you lost focus somewhat in the middle three. Please forgive me for being so brash as to make the following suggestion: Replace the 2nd, 3rd and 4th with something like this:

The ride got rough
I broke a spoke,
the bearings ground
in curly smoke.

Once she raced me
now she tires.
No one’s to blame
just fading fire.


Please don't take this wrong. I wouldn't spend time offering suggestions about something I didn't think was very good to begin with. But do you see what I mean? The piece is more linear this way. Also, words like 'lyre' and 'bier' are too obscure and 'funeral pyre' has been done. I spend much of my time seeking out words that lie on the boundary between obscure and commonplace. Neither 'too mundane' nor too 'academic'. Cheers.
An easy read is a hard write.

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wblogan
Clearwater Poet
Posts: 69
Joined: Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:17 pm
Location: Atlanta

Re: Burned

Post by wblogan » Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:11 pm

Thanks for the read
and the suggestions, Sailor.
I appreciate both.
:cheers:

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