Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

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Forum for your general poetry that may or may not also fit into other forums as well. If you wouldn't want your 12-year old daughter to read it, don't post it here.
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Sweets
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Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

Post by Sweets » Sun May 23, 2010 9:00 pm

Golden scissors upon your mortal thread
Light pressure to sever your stead
A single moment caught in the eye
One simple snip and then you die
Treasure your seconds, your hours, your days
Once your thread snaps your moment is made
That simple twisted smile caressing my lips
I hold your life in my hands, while my scissors snip

(c) Nicholas Kilano 2010


The poem itself is not supposed to be a contradiction to Tehmandaboo's Hope. Its a response to the use of time and the length of moments. Two points to anyone who gets the reference.

-Sweets
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Sweets
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Re: Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

Post by Sweets » Fri Jun 04, 2010 10:07 pm

:critique: :bump:
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Re: Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

Post by heinzs » Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:30 pm

We're getting old and slow...

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Re: Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

Post by Sweets » Sat Mar 05, 2011 2:51 am

heinzs wrote:We're getting old and slow...
That did not give me the closure to this piece that I have been looking for. In all honesty, this forum is just like many others. Everyone is selfish wanting everyone else to look at their own pieces and refusing to stop to look at anyone elses. There might be a few people here that actually take the time to critique and comment on others works, but it is rare, and you Heinzs are one of the few that tries relentlessly to acknowledge every work. The internet needs more people like you who give the recognition to those who deserve it. And also, you yourself deserve to be recognized as a brilliant artist of the pen.

Honestly, I just wanted someone to critique this piece, to tell me that it is awful. Personally, I hate it. It is not my best piece, I know it is not my best piece. The entire work is contrived and lacks the proper emotion that one should be feeling when they read of this subject. Atropos was the Greek Fate of Death. I dont feel as if this fact is hanging in the ether over my head. And the rhyme scheme seems forced. I have been opting for a free form style since I was a teen, ignoring the rules of rhyme and rhythm, leaning toward Dickinson's want of no rules to Frost's guidelines. This piece couldnt have been better when the fact of the matter is that it should never have been written. I feel lack of empathy toward Atropos' position in ending countless lives on a daily basis. If i had taken another approach, I would have been in favor more toward the Fate's emotions on the matter. Maybe she didnt want this job or perhaps was enslaved to her position just as the entirety of the Greek God's and Goddesses were. I normally prefer short poems of one or two stanza's with a few lines that deliver the entirety of a message by removing the unnecessary filler and condensing the story into a few lines. An example of which is the Red Wheel-Barrow by William Carlos Williams. In my attempt to redeem myself from the atrocity that is Atropos, I shall reinvision it, reinvent it, and repost it right here, right now.

Atropos: Revisited
Heavy within an ancient grasp
Snip, Snip, Snip, Snip
An eternity of holding death
Pained blisters splitting each fiber
Snip, Snip, Snip, Snip
Never ceasing, golden shears eternal
Invisibly bloody, a merchant of Hades
Snip, Snip, Snip, Snip



I want opinions this time please and thank you. -Sweets
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Re: Atropos (A Poetic Response to Tehmandaboo's Hope)

Post by poeticpiers » Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:29 am

All who are born,in due course must die.
We do not know the reason why.
Though we can advance theories
As men have done through history.
Presenting them in prose or verse
epically or brief and terse.
What does it matter either way
we do not know and cannot say.
I can accept the words you use
without agreeing with your views.
I hesitate to criticise.
and do not dare to give advise.
Because I know no more than you
Though I believe some one must do.
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May, 2011

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